On the Little Man's most devilish day of the past month, we went to my mom's house to pick up some tickets. The Little Man was an absolute terror. He hadn't had a proper nap, and was cranky and into every no-no he could think of. I was completely exasperated - my mom kept saying "put him down in the spare bedroom for a nap" and I kept assuring her that he wouldn't go for it. I did finally try and, as I predicted, he screamed and squirmed for 15 minutes until I relented and let him up to continue spreading gloom around the house. Pretty soon Mom said "Here, let me try," laid a quilt down on the floor and told him to lay down and not to get back up. And he didn't! He cried like his little heart would break for a complete 45 minutes, but he didn't once even TRY to get up from that quilt until his grandma gave him permission. I was amazed. Her answer to my astonishment was "He'll do what you expect of him. I expected him to stay there, so he did."
Days like that have inspired me to seek help with my parenting technique. Mom's all about the expectations thing, but, I ask, does anyone out there actually do this? It seems to work out for her, but I'm convinced that she emits laser beams of pure will from her eyeballs that make children behave- after all, I remember all to well having them directed at me during my childhood. However, there is something to the theory that if you think it can happen, then it can. So I've tried it in a couple of instances with the Little Man, to very limited success. Maybe I'm not expecting hard enough? Or my will lasers aren't calibrated properly? Eh, who knows.
Another friend swears by Love and Logic. Her sister's kids - on whom she bases her opinions - are very well-behaved, so I did buy a book. I started the book tonight and like the basic principles, but am unsure of my ability to execute. First of all, the suggested dialogue includes the word "bummer" in such quantities that I keep envisioning Shaggy delivering the lines after a particulary smoky session in the Mystery Machine.
Secondly, I'm not sure my temperament is well suited. One of the scenarios pictures the perfect Love & Logic parent calmly talking out solutions with her son to atone for cutting his sister's hair into a mohawk with the scissors. I keep trying to figure out how I'd peel myself off the ceiling long enough to calmly deliver the loving lines to my son. I haven't figured that part out yet.
As with most things, I'm sure I'll develop my own mishmash of a style eventually. I hope I get it at least partially down before I manage to screw my kid up too badly. And, just as a backup, I am going to keep working on those lasers.
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5 comments:
re: Love and Logic - the 2 people that I know that do use it, really use a modified version of it. In some cases, my sister didn't even realize that she was using it. However, one of HER friends is Hardcore Love and Logic - not sure I would want to go that route. Even my sister and I poke gentle fun at it - we will say things to each other like "So SAD!!" in a singsong voice. :-)
Our mutual friend C, uses modified Love and Logic as well. She would be a great person to talk to! C is always reading some great books on toddler behavior. Finally, I just got done reading the Happiest Baby on the Block and was SO IMPRESSED with the doctor who wrote the book, that down the road I will DEFINITELY be checking out his other book, the Happiest Toddler on the Block. He does a great job of really researching and studying the biology behind behavior. Something that has always fascinated me anyway, but this isn't really an appropriate forum to display my extreme geekiness.
P.S. I think what your mom said hit the nail on the head. :-)
I recommend (if you're going to read all these books) Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers. It basically says kids have one of four personality types (well, they're a combo, but the little angel is definitely the "textbook" variety). It gives different strategies for responding to each one. Basically the point is to head off the tantrums before they occur. Does this always work? Hell, no. Does this require a lot of planning? Hell, yes. It works for me and the angel, because I am high-strung and a good planner, and I like to feel in control. Your personality is more laid-back, so all this pre-planning might drive you so bonkers you'd rather listen to a howl or two. However, I do think there's something to be said for the "anticipate the needs" part. The little angel is a monster when she's hungry or tired, pretty decent when she's not. So I carry food everywhere and am a little ridiculous in my respect for her nap schedule and bedtime. Do most people think I am obsessive? Yes. Does she scream a lot? Not really. Which would bother you worse?
Hands down, you're the best mama for the Little Man regardless of your parenting style. I can't believe I'M saying this to YOU, but I wouldn't overthink it too much. ha ha ha ha - I'm so happy this is preserved for posterity.
I don't think having a regular nap schedule is obsessive AT ALL. If I went to bed at all different hours every day, I would be a cranky ass too. :-)
Dorothy - I am so glad it's in writing that you're telling me to chill out! Thanks for the well-wishes, and I'll look into the Baby Whisperer.
Cagey - Talking to C is a good suggestion. I'll take you up on it! That sing-songy "Uh-Oh" and "Bummer" would get on my last nerve. I've been trying to put my own made-up, modified version in practice the last couple of days, but old habits die hard (& new ones come slow). I'll keep y'all posted.
PS. You would be my mom's favorite friend - she LOVES people who think she's right (yes, I know, she probably is in this but it's the admitting it that kills me)
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